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Culture / Sporting Life

J.J. Watt’s New Beard May Break the Internet

Should-Be 3-Time Defensive Player of the Year Experiments

BY // 12.04.15

J.J. Watt may be determined to crush the Internet and make it beg for a mercy like one of the hapless quarterbacks he sacks.

Watt’s under-the radar revelation that he’s experimenting with growing a beard could finally make the Internet implode for good. While the Houston media largely focuses on inconsequential things like the AFC playoff race and Rex Ryan’s latest hairbrained scheme, Watt almost quietly goes about drastically changing the world as we know it and all that’s sacred.

“I’m just seeing what happens,” Watt says of the semi-sprouting beard in his weekly podium presser with the Houston media. “I kind of like it now.

Watt rubs his facial hair. “It’s pretty red, though,” he continues. “It’s weird. But I don’t know. I kind of like it. It’s been working.”

A town with The Beard and the Yankee Killer With the beard would seem to have no room left for more significant sports facial hair. But when it’s J.J. Watt, the usual rules don’t apply. Watt could make parachute pants cool in Houston again, if he so desired. What he says (or grows) goes.

Maybe going with this beard thing will get J.J. Watt another endorsement. He clearly doesn’t have enough commercials at the moment.

Or perhaps it will actually bring some needed attention to the fact that Watt’s playing even better on defense this season than last, when he clearly should have won the NFL MVP Award over Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, aka Mr. Lucky. With his 13 and a half sacks and counting, Watt should win his third NFL Defensive Player of the Year Award in four seasons this February.

That’s a near Michael Jordan-worthy run of dominance.

And you’re still wondering why red stubble on his face is news? Watt’s so good at everything he does that other beard wearers had better beware. (Heck, he even manages to make the Zac Brown Band seem almost interesting in those commercials.)

It’s easy to imagine former Houston Texans quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick quietly weeping over the idea that J.J.’s now going to dominate the beard game, too.

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