Goat Milking at the Houston Rodeo — When Media Celebrities Play Farmers

The contestants gathered on the neon green fake grass in the Agventure Exhibit Hall, tying on their white knee-length aprons. The blinding grass may have been fake, but the brown dirt beneath it surely wasn’t, and the contestants tromped through it, kicking it up with their cowboy boots.

The game was afoot, and the objective was simple: milk your goat as best you can. Just goat for it.

Local media personalities, decked out in their best rodeo duds and jean jackets, participated in The Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo’s Goat Milking Championship on the first official day of the rodeo.

It was kind of a big deal. Not, like Kacey Musgraves-big. But still, a big deal for a rainy Monday.

It was a lively mix of radio, television and magazine reporters. They’d all been dubbed ‘celebrities,’ but some were definitely more famous than others — the treasured Sarah Pepper, formerly of 95. 7 and now 96.5, for example.

Some were veterans of the competition, like the buzzy blonde Dina, who’d previously won five years in a row.

The competition was set to start at 4 pm, with three different heats of six contestants each coaxing, tugging, easing or teasing the milk out for exactly one minute.

It may sound simple — you can do anything for a minute, right? But by the time it was all done at 5 pm, some of the contestants would tell you it’s harder than it looks.

By 3:50, spectators started shuffling up the nine-level bleachers, with stands on three sides of the mini ‘stadium.’ Cowboy hats studded the seats, a blend of mustachioed Marlboro Man types and pint-sized audience members no older than eight.

Goats were led to each of the little elevated platforms. Volunteers guided their heads into little locks to keep them from moving, and colorful buckets were placed beneath their teats. For the first heat, the goat second from the left just didn’t want to get up on the platform. After a few attempts, he was convinced.

The stubborn critters were all roughly the same size but sported a variety of different colors and tail styles, some that stuck straight out, some that sloped down and even some that curved. It may be a strange thing to note, but when you’re about to milk the creature, it’s an observation you can’t avoid.

An announcer called out the names of the first heat, and each member got to their spot. Some squatted, others kneeled — with the grass stains later to prove it — to ready for the 30-second warm-up.

Warm was right. For the uninitiated, the fact that milk straight from the teat is warm was surprising and more than a little uncomfortable.

Mere seconds after the warm-up, it was time for the 60-second real deal. The techniques ranged with the experience level — some got a steady stream from both teats, others, one. Others got the milk out in fits and spurts. Others would go a whole five or ten seconds with absolutely nothing.

It felt like an eternity until the announcer led the crowd in the 10-second countdown. After time was called, the milk was transferred from the bright buckets into Tupperware. The contestants lined up, proudly holding their Tupperware aloft.

And the GOAT of Goat Milkers is…

KHOU 11 reporter Brandi Smith won the first heat handily. The second heat was a lot closer to call, a tie between 100.3 The Bull’s George Lindsay and Sarah Pepper.

See, there was one small hitch: Sarah Pepper had to use a different size Tupperware, so it wasn’t quite clear how her milk amount stacked up. All eyes were on the milk’s meniscus, a word no one had used since middle school.

It was ultimately decided by a heated round of the ultimate tie-breaker: a good ol’ game of rock, paper, scissors.

Sarah Pepper had the winning hand, literally, with scissors to George’s paper. After she cut the competition down to size, it was time for the third heat.

Adrian “Hoss” Perez of the Dean & Rog radio show took that one, before going on to take the run-off. He was awarded a little trophy for his efforts.

It’s no wonder — he didn’t miss a bleat.