High Conflict Divorce No One Wants — But Many Face

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Divorcing a narcissistic spouse is uniquely challenging — legally, emotionally, and financially. Narcissists often present a polished, confident façade to the world, yet behind closed doors their lack of empathy, need for control, and manipulation of facts create instability that inevitably spills into the divorce process. Family law attorneys and partners Carla Calabrese and Lee Budner of Calabrese Budner have guided many clients through these high-conflict matters by blending strategic advocacy with the firm’s signature Emotionally Intelligent Divorce® approach.

“Narcissists don’t just disagree — they destabilize,” Calabrese says. “Our role is to steady the ground beneath our clients and give them structure, clarity, and a plan.”

Understanding Narcissistic Patterns

Narcissists commonly attempt to control narratives, push emotional buttons, and turn every disagreement into a contest. They may gaslight, distort facts, or use charm selectively to influence judges, evaluators, or even their own children. According to the psychological dynamics at play, narcissists often exert coercive control financially, emotionally, or through the children — a pattern that can be difficult for spouses to recognize while living inside it. Budner notes that these tendencies often intensify during divorce. “When a narcissist feels their power slipping, the conflict escalates,” he says. “You need a legal strategy strong enough to neutralize that escalation — not by reacting emotionally, but by out-preparing them.”

Data, Documentation, and Strategic Discovery

One of the most effective tools in a narcissist-driven divorce is documentation. Narcissists struggle when confronted with hard data that contradicts their curated self-image. Gathering financial records, timelines, digital communications, and evidence of coercive control is essential. Budner, whose background includes high-stakes commercial litigation, emphasizes the importance of strategic discovery. “Facts cut through distortion,” he says. “When you’re dealing with someone who manipulates reality, the truth becomes your anchor — and discovery is how we secure it.”

Protecting Children

Narcissistic behavior often affects children as well. Kids may witness manipulation or be encouraged to undermine the other parent. Calabrese, a Master Credentialed Collaborative Divorce attorney, prioritizes insulating children from this dynamic. “Narcissists often use children as an audience,” she says. “We refocus clients on protective parenting while ensuring the legal record reflects what’s truly happening.”

Building the Right Team

High-conflict divorces involving narcissistic personalities often require a multidisciplinary team: therapists who help establish boundaries, forensic accountants to trace finances, custody evaluators who understand personality dynamics, and attorneys who stay grounded and strategic. Calabrese and Budner emphasize the importance of not matching the narcissist’s chaos. “We stay disciplined,” Calabrese says. “Our clients look to us for steadiness, not volatility.”

The Path Forward

While narcissist-driven cases can feel never-ending, most divorces resolve outside the courtroom. The goal is not to “win the fight” but to secure a strong, fair outcome that allows clients to reclaim stability. “The goal isn’t just to fight,” Budner says. “It’s to win smart, with preparation, positioning, and a plan that protects your long-term interests.”

For many clients, the real victory comes after the divorce: regaining control of their life, their voice, and their future. “At the end of the day,” Calabrese says, “we’re helping clients move toward a healthier life — one strategic step at a time.”

To learn more about Calabrese Budner and their expertise, visit calabresebudner.com.