Culture / Newsy

Real Fake News — Building a Wall That Everyone Can Agree On

Let's Turn This Into a Red Carpet Worthy Launch That Influencers Are Dying to Get Into

BY // 02.21.19

Having seen our fair share of charity lunches, black-tie galas, and store launches planned and fueled by inordinate amounts of Prosecco we decided to put a silly little spin on a timely topic — call it PaperCity’s version of satire. If you are the type that has lost all sense of humor due to polarizing topics spewed on Facebook, then perhaps don’t read any further.

Our editorial team has decided to venture down Alice’s proverbial rabbit hole and play the role of the Cheshire Cat, providing a witty spin on the stories one might find on CNN or Fox News. We’re thus calling this little column “Real Fake News.” Billy Fong is first out-of-the-gate with his take on a potential design dilemma. Stay tuned for Christina Geyer’s words of wisdom regarding weed in the coming weeks. 

All the news of late seems to be about building a wall? Well, I say let’s build the damn thing. Call me silly, but I am quite the strategist. First off, we’ll need to raise some money.

Perhaps a black-tie gala fundraiser. Any excuse to put on something swellegant and see old friends with names like Squi and the Woodster you graduated from Lawrenceville and Choate with.

I see naming opportunities galore with a wall. A one-mile stretch in your family’s honor with a gorgeous plaque for a cool million. Perhaps engraved bricks we could offer for $1,000. (Hey, that’s less then some spend for a night of drinking in St. Barths.)

We’ll definitely need a prominent architect because when you have a celeb like Renzo the money always follows. Perhaps a landscape architect as well. The High-Line in New York City has become such a destination for tourists (it’s huge with the former Soviet eastern block countries). Won’t we want the same thing for the land around our wall?

Imagine biking trails and cozy little spots to throw down an Hermès blanket for an impromptu picnic. I envision selfie moments galore.

Maybe even some retail. Look at what happened in the Meat Packing District. A Tom Ford outpost as well as a flagship bricks and mortar for Goop? Once again, it would be a massive celebrity moment when Gwenyth and Apple arrive for the rollout of that space.

A drab wall will need some chic treatments. I suggest a mile or three of Schumacher chinoiserie followed by some Sulking Room Pink Farrow & Ball paint color. Perhaps someone on the fundraising committee is trade and can get a decent discount? I have the number of the editor-in-chief of Elle Decor on my cell since we’ll want a beautiful spread of the finished wall in an upcoming issue.

Finally, a decent launch party is in order. A great publicist will make sure the right influencers are there snapping away on their devices or blogging to in-the-know Swedes. We want strictly A-list. Not a bunch of reality star, Bravo TV B-team players.

Fallen European aristocracy will flock anywhere if there is complimentary, free-flowing Veuve onsite. I’m sure that Glorious Food will get a tax write-off for catering the affair. I hear Lil Wayne makes appearances for less than a $100,000. After it’s officially open, then I think a yearly music festival is in order. Somewhat akin to Coachella, but with better management then the Fyre Festival.

Hey if for some reason the wall isn’t built and we’ve raised some cash, then let’s funnel it to some other worthwhile causes. Providing some Birkin bags to the Real Housewives of Plano or flights on private jets to kids who end-up at schools like Pepperdine on scholarship. DM me on Instagram if you are interested in joining the committee.

When others see a home,
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