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Culture / Sporting Life

Dallas Cowboys’ Choke Saves Houston’s Super Bowl Week

Traffic Woes and Self Esteem Issues Suddenly Clear Up

BY // 01.17.17

The Cowboys aren’t coming! The Cowboys aren’t coming! The Cowboys aren’t coming!

When America’s Team choked under the playoffs’ hot glare, and let Aaron Rodgers treat them like his personal pinata, much of Houston rejoiced. While Houston’s Mayor Sylvester Turner rather clueless tweeted, “Come on . There must be one Texas team in the Super Bowl. Proud!” during Sunday’s game — drawing a huge backlash from the voters in his mentions — real Houstonians know you do not root for the Cowboys.

Even when it would economically benefit you.

If the NFC favorite Cowboys had made the Super Bowl, the I-45 invasion would have been unprecedented. It’s not a stretch to say that Super Bowl LI could have been the most crowded Super Bowl week in history.

But after Green Packers 34, Dallas Cowboys 31 things figure to be decidedly calmer.

The Cowboys’ collapse is a win for Houston traffic — and self esteem.

Holiday Gifting

  • Loeffler Randall - Clutch
  • Elaine Turner - Felicia Stole in Magenta
  • Cle Du Peau - Nail Polish
  • Bond No 9 - Candle
  • Wayne Smith
  • Cotton Club
  • Wayne Smith
  • Oscar De La Renta - Clutch
  • Museum of Fine Arts Houston
  • Asher Gallery
  • Mariquite Masterson
  • Oscar De La Renta - Earrings
  • Cotton Club
  • Cle Du Peau - Lip Gloss
  • Bond No 9 - Perfume
  • Loeffler Randall - Shoes
  • Elaine Turner - GiGi Flats
  • Mariquite Masterson

As if it’s not bad enough that the young Cowboys have two quarterbacks (rookie Dak Prescott and the soon-to-be-elsewhere Tony Romo) who are both infinitely better than Brock Osweiler , the best young running back in football in Ezekiel Elliott and a newly re-monsterized Dez Bryant. Seeing the Cowboys romping in the big game in Houston could have finally been too much for the sanity of Texans’ fans. Texans owner Bob McNair may have even had to pretend that Jerry Jones and he aren’t mutual admiration society buddies for a while.

Now, at least when these Dallas Cowboys get their inevitable Super Bowl win, it will be in a city like Minneapolis, Atlanta or Miami. Houston’s safe!

The hordes wearing stars will not be descending on Houston and turning the Bayou City into Dallas South for Super Bowl week (imagine the wrong impression everyone else coming to town would have gotten). No crazy big hair, pretentious loudmouths or $30,000 “millionaires” driving leased-up Mercedes will be over running the city (we kid because we love).

Instead, it will be the evil empire of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, the morally ambiguous quarterback stylings of Ben Roethlisberger, the family drama of Aaron Rodgers or the low-key excellence of Matt Ryan. Not a Jerry, a Dak or a Dez in sight.

All because the Dallas Cowboys stumbled into a home playoff game — and let Rodgers and the Packers set the tempo and tone early. All because Dallas coach Jason Garrett, Princeton graduate, makes even Andy Reid look like a Mensa candidate when it comes to clock management. All because the Cowboys didn’t figure out a way to keep giving Elliott the damn ball.

Why do I suddenly want a recount?

But OK, traffic will simply be consistently horrible Super Bowl week rather than total apoplectic gridlock. That’s a win, right?

Houston deserves to feel good about itself. Seeing how bad all those Midwesterners look in cheeseheads or how few fans the Atlanta Falcons actually have seems like a good start. It’s certainly something.

OK, Jerry Jones will still likely be elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Houston as part of the Super Bowl festivities, but he’ll be a little less loud and omnipresent than usual. Maybe.

Super Bowl destiny has been forever changed. The Cowboys aren’t coming! Start the party early…

Part of the Special Series:

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