The Challenges of Narcissism In A Divorce

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Dealing with a narcissistic spouse during a divorce can be quite complex and emotionally draining — and it takes guts. Is your spouse a narcissist? Are you a narcissist? We hear the term bandied about with reckless abandon these days. A narcissist frequently exhibits one or more of the following characteristics: a pattern of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and lack of empathy. Narcissists want to present an untarnished image to the world — but inside, they are plagued by insecurities and doubts. Narcissists often make amazing entrepreneurs; the very traits that make them excel in business, however, can handicap them in personal relationships. Their lack of empathy can often thwart the need for collaboration and understanding when dissolving a marriage. Difficult communications, grandstanding, and intolerance for human foibles complicate and prolong divorce cases.

Elisa Reiter — who is Board Certified in Family Law and Child Welfare Law by the Texas Board of Legal Specialization, with more than 30 years of experience — offers some strategies for dealing with narcissistic behavior in divorce.

Challenges Posed by Narcissists

Narcissistic individuals create challenges on many fronts, given their tendency to:

– Exploit and manipulate others in their orbit for personal gain.

– Exhibit an inflated sense of entitlement and disregard for rules.

– Distort facts by gaslighting.

– Lack impulse control.

– Be devoid of empathy for any other person — even their own spouse and children.

Coercive Control

Narcissists showboat. The best house. The best car. The model spouse. The perfect child. Narcissists also exert coercive control over their spouses. While physical violence is often a key part of coercive control, it is only one part. Coercive control usually involves other forms of manipulation, including sexual exploitation, financial control, and emotional neglect and abuse. Children are harmed in the process as they bear witness to coercive control exerted by one parent over the other. Instead of helping with the child’s education, said education can actually be undermined by the parent who is exerting coercive control. “Just don’t do your homework.” … “Don’t worry about missing baseball practice when you’re with me.” … “Let mom/dad worry about helping you with your homework when you get back to their house — let’s just have fun.” Children see, hear, and know about the ill treatment of one parent by the other; worse, the errant and controlling parent is modeling behavior for the child that can be carried forward to the child’s adult relationships. When someone has been criticized for years, such an individual finds it difficult to find their voice and dissolve a relationship that has grown detrimental for themselves and their children. They need an advocate who will represent them zealously.

Strategies for Effective Representation

Divorcing a narcissist presents numerous challenges that require specific strategies for effective results. Here are some key takeaways and tips for choosing the right attorney to represent you when divorcing a narcissist:

1. Data

What is it like representing a narcissist? This is the client who, when I call searching for answers, responds, “I’m running a two- billion-dollar-a-year industry. What do you need now, Elisa?” Narcissists gather but hoard information. Your attorney should be able to help you get and stay organized and focused. Narcissists bend the truth. However, they hate being hoisted on their own petards with hard data. Your attorney should be able to help you gather documentation to help you mount an effective case, including tax returns, personal records, business records, school records, medical records, and other data.

2. Timeline

Your attorney needs to know the intricacies of your life. Give your attorney a timeline of key events, and keep your attorney informed and updated as events continue to unfold in your case.

3. Team Building

Divorcing a narcissist may require more than just a good attorney. We may need others on our team. Find an attorney who can help pull others onto the team as needed, including a therapist who can help you establish boundaries with your spouse and help you communicate most effectively with your spouse regarding issues related to your children; a forensic accountant to help evaluate business interests and/or to trace separate property claims; and other appraisers to establish fair market values for jewelry; collectibles (coins, antiques); vehicles, boats, and planes; and livestock.

4. Trauma and Conflict

My mother, Lea Felts, who was my paralegal for 16.5 years, used to say, “Principles, they cost money.” Don’t fight over every issue. Narcissists thrive on conflict. Don’t feed the beast! Choose your battles wisely. Divorce cases revolve around love, sex, children, money, and taxes. Divorce can follow a history of abuse in a relationship. Domestic violence and trauma are not confined to the poor; middle- and upper-class families can suffer domestic and economic abuse, as well as verbal abuse. Don’t minimize the abuse you may have endured. Give your attorney an honest overview of what life has been like in your home, including any elements of coercive control.

5. Breaking the Bonds of Coercive Control

Batterers don’t just assault. Narcissists can hit you with more than offensive words; they can engage in battles on multiple fronts. Narcissists can be crafty, simply sticking to behaviors that can constitute stalking and threatening their spouse in other ways that all have the net effect of intimidation. Domestic violence is by its very nature personal; batterers and those who engage in coercive control scare their spouses in a variety of ways. I once represented a lovely woman who was married to a titan of industry; he arguably had narcissistic characteristics. Incited by his pattern of ignoring her, notwithstanding the fact that she was 108 pounds soaking wet, she lobbed a laptop computer straight at his head. Fortunately, he ducked. While your actions should not be violent, spouses of narcissists must break patterns of coercive control. Spouses of narcissists often fail to stand up for themselves because they fear the loss of identity, self-worth, home, income, children, friends, and business interests.

Coercive control can include multiple forms of abuse — financial, sexual, physical, and emotional. We recognize these factors when dealing with the elderly; it’s time for judges to recognize these factors in divorce cases. Trauma impacts people. Trauma impacts relationships. Trauma impacts divorce.

6. Effective Communication

You matter. Your perception matters. Do you have a spouse who puts everything but you first, and you’re tired of not talking or being heard? You need an attorney who listens and with whom you can communicate well.

7. Will a Child Custody Evaluator Get It?

If you have minor children, you may need a child custody evaluator appointed in your case. A child custody evaluator interviews the parties and their children, visiting the homes of the parties seeking custody. His or her job is to observe the parties and their children during a number of visits, to determine if they see any cause for concern, and to make recommendations to the court. A child custody evaluation is your opportunity to shine. Show the evaluator that you are a good and loving parent. Don’t obsess about pointing out every attempt where your narcissistic spouse has tried to gaslight you. Focus on your children, and how you serve their best interests. Narcissists put themselves first; sharp evaluators understand that. The child custody evaluation helps the court determine what is best for your children. Years ago, I represented a mental health professional enmeshed with an alcoholic spouse. While he would provide a better environment in all ways, he could not get past the narcissistic tendency to perceive himself as the smartest fellow in the room. When their teenage son was asked who he preferred to live with, he said his mother. When asked why, the son responded, “Dad is mean to the dog. He kicks the dog. Dad kicks and shoves the dog into the crate. Every day. I hate it.” Dad’s shiny veneer was scratched. Folks with narcissistic tendencies tend to trip up in the course of the evaluation, despite their desire to fool the world with their smooth facade.

8. Objectivity

We are not your cheerleaders. Don’t expect a good lawyer to say “yes” to every idea or strategy you present. Your divorce is your business deal: develop a strategy and theme of the case with your attorney. Grandiose narcissists will continue to respond in condescending ways — mere words, no matter how insulting, should not reduce you to similar conduct. A depressed narcissist struggles to maintain equilibrium but will find fault with every solution you present. A covert narcissist sees failure everywhere except in their own perception of the world.

9. The Path Forward

Our legal system affords us the ability to litigate disputes. As in war, the legal system is premised on declaring a winner and a loser. However, 97 percent of cases are settled out of court. Look for an attorney who can help you resolve your case, even when dealing with a narcissistic spouse. Narcissists tend to escalate disputes and love to prolong litigation. What’s the cost? Great tolls on families, financially, emotionally and in terms of time devoted to litigation rather than to family and to work. Marriages may be irretrievably broken, and the parties may be unable to reconcile; however, an experienced attorney can help you find a path forward to the future.
“Navigating a divorce involving a narcissistic spouse requires empowerment and a detail-oriented, client-centered approach,” Reiter says. “At Calabrese Budner, LLP, we can help you derail the narcissist, set boundaries with a spouse who has historically felt the rules apply to everyone else but them, and achieve a just and right, fair and equitable resolution of your divorce.”

To learn more about Calabrese Budner and their expertise, visit calabresebudner.com or call 214-939-3000.